Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The Olympian is in my bed
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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