So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
