Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
