Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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