I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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