I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
