Can i not drive my cunt home
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
