Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
sex in a hospital.. check
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize