Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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