If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
