Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Someone signed my nipple.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
