you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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