she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
