You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
