i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize