You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
