Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Screwed.edu
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
