She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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