god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
