sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
