so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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