I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
