I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
