I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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