had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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