Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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