I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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