So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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