Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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