Who wears a wallet chain?!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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