He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
