Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize