as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
