just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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