I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
