the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I love you. Go after that dick
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
