I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize