someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
