Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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