but the lizard people decide everything anyway
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
