Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
