I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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