So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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