I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
