How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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