I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
