Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
