Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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