Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
