just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Welp...herpes.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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