You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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