This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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