just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
