NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
