I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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