Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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