The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
