Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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