i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
