yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize