so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
