i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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